


I Dream of Uzumaki

by GodSaveTheKings



Category: Naruto
Genre: Comedy, I've Never Read/Watched Naruto, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-11 08:50:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20543411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GodSaveTheKings/pseuds/GodSaveTheKings
Summary: Young Naruto discovers that the world is more dangerous than he could ever know, even in the places closest to him... except I've never seen a single episode of Naruto and know nothing about it.





	I Dream of Uzumaki

**Author's Note:**

> Today, I woke up deciding I wanted to write a Naruto fanfiction. One problem: I've never seen or read literally any of Naruto, and plan on never doing so. But kids, I don't let reality stop me from reaching my dreams. So, I wrote this trying to be as accurate as possible without any research whatsoever, based entirely off of what I know about Naruto from cultural osmosis, which is almost nothing. If I got anything wrong, please leave a dreadfully long comment explaining all of my inaccuracies.
> 
> But honestly, I think it turned out okay...

The trees outside of Ninja Village were tall and bountiful, extending high into the heavens, and it was every weekend afternoon, when the sun was shining brightly and gentle gusts of winds blew across the horizon, that Naruto Uzumaki, the most free-spirited and daring of all the ninjas, spent his time sprinting up the trees as high as he could go, running up the sheer vertical base with his arms held behind his back and a big smile on his face. The spiky-haired bastard would run up trees fifty feet, one hundred feet, three hundred feet tall, and then when he reached their tops, he would jump back down to the bottom, and run up them all over again. It was his favorite part of Ninja Training, and he was determined to be the best at it, for it was his ultimate dream to become Hokage, the best of all ninjas or something.

Whenever this happened, he would be watched from the ground by the beautiful Sakura, who would watch his orange-jumpsuited mass ascend into the heavens and then plummet to the earth. She watched him with scorn from the bushes.

"I fucking hate that Naruto," she said venomously. "Always running up trees, doing his Jutsu, acting like he's the best. Fuck that guy. He'll never be as talented as my Sasuke."

It was upon hearing his name that Sasuke suddenly materialized in the bushes behind her, and she let out a startled scream, falling flat on her face. Sasuke merely looked down upon her with disdain.

"I hate life and everything in it," he said gothically.

"Oh, Sasuke," Sakura blushed, standing up straight and laughing with relief. "You shouldn't scare me like that. After all, we are the best of friends." She playfully brushed back her short hair, which had been stained pink from the _severe radiation burns she suffered as a child_.

"What is that Naruto doing?" Sasuke asked, deeply irritated by the sight of another human being in front of him.

"Oh, you know that piece of shit scumbag Naruto," Sakura said dismissively. "Always running up his trees and shit. One day, I hope he trips and crashes his head against the ground and splits his fucking brain open. Asshole."

Sasuke looked up into the distant, and true to Sakura's word, he saw Naruto doing his tree runnings. It was not too long in the past that Naruto had told Sasuke of his dreams of becoming Hokage, and Sasuke had told Naruto that his dreams were _stupid_, and his face was _stupid_, and friendship was _stupid_. But Naruto was such a rambunctious little scamp that even the cold, black mass of Sasuke's heart was melted, and from then on, whenever he saw Naruto running, a smile crept across his face, as he thought of the ambitions of his great rival and close friend.

Classic Naroto.

A figure walked up behind them, chuckling badassly. "I hope I'm not distracting you two from anything."

Sakura and Sasuke snapped to attention. Why, it was the leader of Team 7, Kakashi Hatake, standing in the shadows with his arms crossed. He was an excellent teacher to the three young ninjas, and they all respected his wisdom and abilities probably. Sasuke was a particularly big fan of Kakashi, not necessarily because Kakashi was powerful or smart or anything, but because he wore a dope-ass mask that covered his entire face. Seriously, that mask was so awesome. Like, it covered so much that only one eye was left exposed. How did he even see out of that thing? His depth perception must have been fucked, but that only made it cooler and more mysterious. One day, when Sasuke achieved his dream of becoming King of the Goths, he would get a mask just like that, only even more badass. He would paint a skull face on it or something. Or maybe he would wear something else that covered his face, like a big gas mask. Or a deer head with big antlers.

Sasuke's eyes went wide. _A deer skull turned into a gas mask_.

"Where is Narito, my star pupil?" asked Kakashi.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "That limp ratfuck is doing his tree runnings."

"Ah, of course," said Kakashi very wisely. "I should have known. That Naito loves running up trees. All he ever seems to do is run up trees."

"And talk about friendship," Sasuke reminded him.

"That is also, true," Kakashi nodded affectionately. "He loves that friendship. Remember that one time when I was giving a lesson about the value of teamwork, and then he stood up and gave an impassioned lecture about friendship to all of the other ninjas for eighteen minutes straight. Literally, it was eighteen minutes of pure friendship lecture. Given that my lesson accounted for only four minutes, that meant that around twenty-two whole minutes of our lives were spent doing essentially nothing of importance. Crazy, right?"

"Very crazy, Sensai," Sasuke muttered under his breath.

"Now then, students," Kakachi said, clapping his hands together with tremendous authority. "For today's lesson, we are going to be learning all about the Jitsu, or the Jutsu, or whatever the fuck it's called." He blinked and shrugged. "Ninja stuff. We're going to do some ninja stuff."

"Sweet, I love ninja stuff!" Sakura said excitedly.

"So do I," Sasuke agreed with muted enthusiasm. Before Kakashi could continue, a boy with a bowl-cut ran up to the group, waving happily and innocently at them.

"Hey, guys!" shouted Rock Lee with a big smile on his face. "Do you mind if I join in on the ninja stuff? I think it'd be really cool if we hung out toge—"

"_Get the fuck out of here!"_ Sakura shouted furiously.

"Yeah, fuck off, you little bitch!" Sasuke growled bitterly, throwing his fists into the air with rage.

"Worthless piece of shit. I hate you!" Sakura screamed, her anger overtaking her so much that she began repeatedly kicking a nearby shrub in frustration. Tears started to well in Rock Lee's eyes.

"But I… I just wanted…"

"Oh, my god, shut the fuck up!" Kakashi yelled, clutching his ears in agony. "Your voice is like pins and needles in my brain." Sasuke angrily smashed his fists into the ground at the revolting sight of Rock Lee's dumb face, and Sakura unleashed a primal scream like a banshee, pulling a handgun out of her pocket and unloading the chamber into the air. Rock Lee burst into tears, running off into the distance as Sasuke continued to _rage_.

"Man, I hate that motherfucker!" he screamed into the dirt. "I want to rip his hair out every time I see him."

"Fuck that Rock Lee!" Sakura shouted.

"Yeah, fuck that Rock Lee!" Kakashi said in agreement. "Worthless bastard!"

"Why did we let him into Ninja School?" Sasuke asked in desperation. "Why didn't we just bury that fucker in a ditch when we had the chance?"

"I'm going to break his fucking legs the next time I see him," Sakura said determinedly. "I'm going to cut that fucker's dick off and break his goddamn fucking legs with a sledgehammer!"

While all of this was going on, Nurutu was still running up and down his trees, perfecting his ninja skills. He glanced over to the ground, and with a proud smirk on his face, noticed all of his best friends hanging out down in the forest below. He could hear their screams all the way up in the trees, but they were too faint to make out. He smiled gently. He was sure they were shouting about how happy they were that he was doing his tree runnings. They were such kind-hearted people. Good, gentle folks.

Suddenly, though, Nebula noticed a shadow off in the distance, rapidly approaching his friends. He squinted suspiciously at it and then gasped in fear. That was no ordinary shadow. It was something far, far worse…

Sakura, Sasuke, and the cool one were still ranting and raving about Rock Lee when the ground suddenly shook around them, and the earth beneath them split open. Fire spouted from the cracks, and the three ninjas dodged out of the way at the last possible moment as a menacing figure arose from the darkness.

Sakura looked upon the figure and shouted in terror. "Oh, no! It's our archnemesis… Orochiochimiochimarochi!"

Orochiochimiochimarochi, the Leader of Dark Ninja Village, cackled menacingly. "At last! I finally have you right where I want you, Team 7!"

"How? How did you find us?" Sasuke asked worriedly. "This Village's location is supposed to be a secret."

"I could detect you using my super smell," Orochiochimiochimarochi said casually, flipping back his luxuriously long red(?) hair. "Now, prepare to meet your doom."

Then, with a flash of brilliant hand signals, Orochiochimiochimarochi let out a sharp cry, and he summoned—let's say, for the sake of argument—a massive snake monster out of the ground to attack the young ninjas. They tried to defend themselves, but it was quite a hopeless endeavor. Kakashi used his lightning Jutsu, but the electric bolts merely reflected off the reptile's indestructible skin. Sasuke used his Sasuke Jutsu, but that was to no avail, and the snake monster merely knocked the young ninja away. Sakura tried crying silently in the corner, but the snake was unfazed by that, too. Orochiochimiochimarochi laughed manically. Today would be the day when he would finally eradicate all of the ninjas. His victory was assured.

But then, he heard a scream off in the distance. Team 7 looked to the skies above with joy in their hearts.

It was Navaho!

"Fox Tail Magic, go!" screamed Nutella, summoning the ancient magic of the Nine-Tail Fox Demon, transforming himself into a glowing mythical beast. With a single mighty Ninja Punch, he destroyed the snake with ease, and Orochiochimiochimarochi turned pale with fear.

"How? How is that possible?" he cried pitifully. "I am the great Orochiochimiochimarochi! My dark powers are the strongest in all of Ninja World. No child can best me!"

"It's because you've forgotten one thing," said Nova Scotia, charging up one final attack for the finishing blow. "The powers of your dark magic are no match for the strength of my friends, and the strength of my ninjitsu! With the ninja spirit flowing through our hearts, and our souls, our friendship won't ever die, because we are the _nakama_, which means family, but more important than family apparently, like a super important bond that no one can shatter even in the face of the greatest adversity, or so I am told!"

"What?" Orochiochimiochimarochi asked, confused. "How do you not know the meaning of your own beliefs?"

Nigel Farage leaped high into the air, and with all of his might, pulled his fist back and aimed at Orochiochimiochimarochi's face.

"_Because I don't speak Japanese!"_ he shouted at the top of his lungs, bringing his fist down upon the head of his great foe, shattering it into a billion pieces. The villain fell over dead, never to be seen or heard from ever again. Because he was dead. And dead people don't come back to life, because that's not how death works.

Napkin returned to his human form, and his friends and teacher gathered around him, cheering in joy.

"That was unbelievable, Nnnnnn," said Kakashi with a great big smile that was hidden entirely underneath his sweet mask. "I've never been more proud of my student."

"You were amazing," said Sasuke. Even _he_, the most depressed person to ever live, could admire skills such as that.

"Yeah, not too terrible for a worthless, guzzling cumdumpster such as yourself," Sakura said, prodding him with her elbow.

"Thanks, everyone," Ichigo said with a bright smile. "Come on! Let's go do some tree running together!"

And so, Trivago, Sasuke, Sakura and Kakashi all went to the biggest tree they could find, and ran up it in unison, grinning and holding their arms out behind them like the ninja do. The sun seemed to be shining extra brightly that day, and all of Ninja World breathed a sigh of relief at the defeat of such a dangerous villain. However, Shakira knew his work wasn't done yet. There would be many more foes for him to face, and many far more perilous challenges in the future. But, he knew that as long as he had his friends by his side—and none of them ever turned evil—he would always be able to come out victorious. Team 7 reached the peak of the tree, and stared out into the world together. Masa Chono grinned widely.

One day, he would finally become Hokage… and only then, he would finally be able to learn what the fuck the One Piece was.

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT: Oh my God, where are all of you coming from? This was written a year ago but the views on this have increased 10x in the last 24 hours. Is someone sending you? Trying to pressure me into watching Nnarato?
> 
> EDIT 2: Oh, it's reddit. Still never going to watch Nebraska


End file.
